The essence of time ...

I’ve sat staring into space the last month, looking for divine inspiration and the right words to honour the time that has passed since I first met you, a year ago today.

Quotes were appearing on pages, and ideas were flying through my mind, but I kept waiting for something more – subconsciously thinking that the perfect phrase or expression would come to hand.

It’s today – I counted down all the others up until now – and I’m no wiser here, in this present moment, than I was in the last month past, or perhaps even the last year that I’ve known you.

And I finally realised, maybe there is never any right time, words, or moment – maybe it’s just the culmination of all these things that add up to what we have and where we are, like stepping stones along the journey from then to now.

I never expected to meet you that day. I may have been directed or guided by the hands of fate, but I never expected to meet you. You were just there, and our paths collided, and I left that night knowing my life was about to change again.

I fought you – every step of the way – in training, in love, in life. I kept trying to believe I wasn’t, and that I was doing everything I could, but I honestly fought you in all forms (and still do), every single day since we first met.

Because I didn’t know how to embrace the power of you. I had no idea or past experience to know how to incorporate you into my life. Your human form failed to conceal your brilliance, and the beauty of your soul continued to blind. I couldn’t fit you into any categories, and it scared me. Truth is, it still scares me even today.

For every argument, I have an answer. For every question, I can forge a reason. But for every instance of you, I have a lesson. And a reason to look beyond what the eye can see.

I wish I could capture the essence of you, in order to share it with others who walk so blind. Or at least to reflect back to your heart, the beauty you bestow.

You are a worthy miracle. You are more than good enough. And you’re definitely the reason for areas of my life that have evolved, changed and grown.

I finally found a quote – after all that soul searching – to come close to how I’ve felt since we first met. It’s not overly eloquent or grace filled, but I really do think it says it best ... “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be” ... and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing there, waiting till I arrived, and stopping to say hello.

Supposedly prime...

Numbers play a large role. In my everyday life.

I count for a living. I add others. Or let them walk away.

Measure the time taken. Days of silence in between. Know the length til my birthday. Feel the seconds once gone.

One day somewhere new. Three days mark a whole year. Seven days without him. Six months to fight or fly.

A hour spent lost in thought. Two more trying not to cry. Handful til the sun sets. With eyes closed til it rises again. 

Feeling mellow. Subdued. Slightly melancholy. Missing faces who see who I am.

Turning. Spinning. Still alone. Wondering when I lost count of the year. And those I forgot to grow.

Still no wiser. No clue where I'm heading. Not knowing how long this will hurt.

Or how many more slept through sunrises. Til I'm breathing in. And out.

Without having to think about it. Just losing count.

Cobwebs of thought ...

I went home. To my new home. This week. First time since the giant 'left'. First time since I realised he was gone.

Sat down. Looked around. And cried, completely overawed.

I missed him. In all the spaces. I thought. He would occupy.

I missed him. In all the conversations. I thought. He would share.

The place isn't large. But it's crafted. With loving. Every item went into it. With thoughts of us. Not just me.

Yet I look around. I feel where he's missing.

And I wish he could have come. Home. Shared this place with me.

The first few days. Haven't been easy. I've shed some tears. Felt the loss in my heart.

But it will be the next few. Slightly rueful. As I settle. Into our place. Without him. Only me

Dreams of what I hoped. Now lost amongst the dust. Of no more.

As I find my way. Learn who I am. Figure out how to live around him. In the place I thought. We'd call home.

Lights will guide you home ...

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but  you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try

To fix you"

Lyrics - from "Fix You" by Coldplay

Stuck in a moment ...

"I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company"

Sometimes. It doesn't work out. Your dreams change. Feelings fade. You wake up. What was there. Is now gone.

And it hurts. It's a little sad. You don't know what you want. You only want what you can't have.

It means new beginnings. Starting all over again. Replanning the future. You thought was already paved.

And it's scary. Terrifying almost. You wonder just where. You'll find the strength.

But somehow. You get up. Keep breathing. Look around. Appreciate that you still exist.

"I will not forsake
The colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see"

No one knows the future. Nothing is ever certain. Until it has passed.

You don't know what you have. Or the possibilities. If you're sitting. Closed eyes. Closed heart. Closed hands.

Remaining open however. To opportunity. Is like balancing. Along the edge.

You can fall. You can fly. You can stay there.

The choice may not be. Just yours in the end.

"And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass"

And one day. You'll wake up. Sunbeams. Will replace stormy clouds.

I can't tell you when. I'm not sure of it myself.

But I promise you. The tomorrow. That one day will come.

Will more than make up. For the today of now.

"My advice to those nursing this same kind of broken heart is to embrace the sadness. Live it. Feel it. Do not  run away from it. Avoiding it only gives it more power over you. Being happy is easy. Being sad is where the real work begins. It's where you learn the most about your wants and needs. Just don't linger in it. Don't get stuck in a moment".

The love in between ...

I always think. I know myself. That I'd never do. What I said I wouldn't.

But sometimes. I compromise. Let my dreams fall down. As I let myself feel.

I did it before. Once. I've done it again. Believed in depths beyond myself. Dared the rainbow to have an end.

Yet all that's ending. In this time. Even now this place.

Is the hope. I'll get to see you. Misplaced faith. That you could hold my heart.

I've spoken in circles. Turned our insides out. There's little left I can say. Silence shouts.

I'm trying. So desperately. To paint the smile. On my face. So no one knows. Can come close. To guessing how deep this is.

I loved you from the beginning. I'll probably love you to the end.

But I will always. Wish you forever well. The man I hoped. I could love in between.


"I know you are there
I can see you, you know
I know you keep coming
Just to check if I've gone
Well yes I'm still here
And I'm standing alone
But what does it matter
It's over and done
There were secrets
Unhidden
They've changed many things
Or maybe things weren't 
Quite what they had seemed
There are so many things
That I'm wanting to say
But what is the point
We ended that day
You were definitely different
I had a gut feeling
Now I'll lay on the floor
And I'll stare at the ceiling
Hollow inside
With my tears slipping out
I have nothing to whisper
And nothing to shout
Another string to my bow
Another line to my song
I'm heartbroken now
But it won't be for long
The memories we share
I can view as I like
You can't take them back
They're locked up inside
But the essence of us
It burst at the seams
Now we're fading away
Like yesterday's dreams
So I know you're still there
I can see you, you see
But it suddenly occurred
You're not waiting for me
I'm only a fool
And you're one and the same
As you stood there and watched me
Walking away"
- Hayley Baines

When push comes to shove ...

I don't think people. Realise other's breaking points. That maybe one push too many. Will become. One push too much.

That although we've appeared impenetrable. Able to take whatever. They care to throw our way.

We're not. Not one part of us is made of steel. Eventually give. Comes from too much take.

And it might not even be. The one thing. That you thought. Would be the edge.

Yet it releases the trigger. Sets off the momentum. Domino effect. Spiral of destruction begins.

I've been dumb lately. Dumber than normal. Kept believing. That through others evil. There lay good. That their appearances. Were merely illusions. They were putting up walls. To stop from getting hurt.

I took it. For a while. Much longer. Than I really should. Because I was certain. It would swing back the other way. They'd push so hard. Collapse would occur. Reinforcements would be required. And I could be there.

But it turns out. As suspected. That their pushing. Became too much. My walls of rebellion. Fell to their exertion. Collapse came. As my heart split apart.

When it all falls down around you. When it all feels too much. There's not a lot you can do. Just keep breathing.

And hope like crazy. One day you'll rise. Renewed with purpose. Ready to be loved.